Let's just start over.

So, I got up early to feed Kat/Demonically Spawned Huntress O' Sleepy Feet. Then went back to bed and was doing the whole "snuggle, cuddle, mmmmmn, zzz, snuggle, sigh" routine of dozing off and on for a few minutes when something suddenly went incredibly wrong. I'd shifted to my fave sleeping position, on the stummy, with an arm still splayed over Teddy.

Suddenly it became a "snuggle, cuddle, mmmmmn, zzz, snuggle, YEEE-OWCH!" as that awful realization hit that the all too important boob positioning had gone all wrong somewhere. I mean, there's like a secret life of boobage that goes on. They have their dark side, they can instantaneously transform from the easy going flubber that doesn't bother at all which they usually consist of into compacted bundles of pain inducing metal ready to go off.

It was like having two softballs(which I discovered weren't really that soft in any sense I knew by them being thrown repeatedly at my head.) in my mattress and I'd unexpectedly let my weight settle right on those two points.

Yeah, the pressure was just too much there. Oww.

There was nothing in between me and a good morning sleeping in until then, my stupid boobs had to go and blow the whole plan. Bah, humbuggers.

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Right, this entry will probably be bouncing all over the board: I think I need to just let things out as I remember them, again with the pressure build up, I've been keeping too many of the things that I've been wanting to write about within myself for the past months.

Don't mind any steam that might be coming out my ears while I attempt this, this is probably something that experts would advise against amateurs trying at home.

I wasn't programmed at birth to not write, what have I been thinking anyway?

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I suppose I should go back to that last entry from over a month ago and reveal which was the actual fiction. If anybody read and remembers: it was the one about my niece and the Shell Pictures.

The tricky truths in it were that of course, she WAS born in Florida and I do remember when my sister brought her back, but there were no shells involved. Also, of course she DID go back to Florida for school last year, but I didn't even get to see her to say goodbye and she's back now but I still haven't gotten to see her.

She was more like my sister, and my sister more like my mother, when I was little... but my sister's in-laws totally don't trust or like my mother(it's mainly over-protectiveness that stems from all the abuse that happened to us, which I can really understand, since it's one main reason why I don't think I can ever have a child of my own.) so they've kept a tight leash on Sunny and her kids most of my life.

I understand it now, but it still hurt(s) me so much to be cut off from them by association. I do know it's for the better, because while we all lived at Grandma's when I was little I'd have to worry about Faerly(note to self: work on adding my sister's Weather family to the cast list of names.) and whether she was safe/escaping what I wasn't. So I'm sure if she'd been around more, a lot of it would've happened to her too, despite how hard Sunny tried to protect us from it.

Whenever I look at or think of my nieces it makes me want to start crying(like right now, oh blurring eyes go away) and KILL to think about anybody laying a hand on them. I'll never forget how strong that as when I'm looking directly at one of them, and I know that if it were stronger with my own child there's just no way in the world I could contain it.

I have no idea what's wrong with the rest of my family. They saw and knew enough of it. How couldn't they, do anything?

I'll never get it.

I better stop thinking about that now, huh.

Right, back to the little story I wrote, the tricky facts from it were that there had been shells that my neighbor had given me, and everything I wrote about them were true. Even the sand dollar part happened.

Except for the whole making anything crafty with the shells. I think they're probably just packed in a little gem bag with the rest of my altar stuff now.

Oh great, now I'm thinking about his death to cancer and everything. That story had too many dark sides lurking to pull me in, even though I'm the one who unwittingly threw them together in the first place.

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Moving on.

Only I don't know where to move onto...

Let's see, how about this: moving on to the kitchen to grab some tea, and maybe a soft pretzel, to finish off the mustard with.

Yup, now there sounds like a plan to me. Sure to remind what to write about next, which is food of course. I always have to write about that.

Or the lack thereof.

Now we're back to the shopping thing, see last Saturday was my newly adopted cousin Ashoua's birthday party, which is what led to me wanting to go shopping. I just wanted a quick little run to get frosting, a box of vegan convenience food like Gardenburger Riblets, and maybe pie crusts. Cuz of course I wanted to take food that I could eat while everybody else did. I wound up just making the chocolate cupcakes, but no frosting. And starving all day.

The pie crusts weren't for the party, but I have a bagload of pears that I've been putting off cooking. Their from somebody's low grade tree, and Santos brought them home from work a couple of weeks ago. I really wanted to just make up some pies and be done with it already. I think they may be going bad, I mean even more bad, by now. Sigh.

I did do some pear-applesauce, but that wasn't even half of them. And Teddy sniffed it once and said he doesn't like cinnamon in applesauce. I asked if he would have a problem with the pears in it too and he said probably, he doesn't like pears and just thinks they're like really tough apples.

???

Not that it even matters when they're a sauce anyway...but eesh.

So, the party, pre-party. I'd been asking him about it for two weeks, saying it was Saturday 18th at 2. He still had to ask me Thursday night what it was again that I had to go to that weekend and when. I'd starting mentioning wanting to make a small run to the store beforehand around Monday. We'd been going back and forth with asking whether he wanted to stay or just drop me off, or whether I wanted him to stay or not, etc. I kinda wanted him to, but it was entirely up to him, and I let him know that.

He didn't get off his computer and take a shower to go until right before 3 on Saturday. Which is when the party actually started. I was sick with my canker sore again that morning, since it was Saturday afterall, and the stress just makes it worse. So I had done my medicine regime and been lazing off and on until 1:30 too, but I was more than ready in time.

I'd told him if he wanted he could go see Texas Chainsaw Massacre like his friends had been harassing him to do and come pick me up afterwards, and on the way there he decided to try that. Fine. I thought that was the plan, it's what he'd told his friend on the drive there. We got there, more than half an hour late, and he's dropping me off across the street, telling me to call him. I double check to make sure he's coming back at six anyway, and he says he is but to still call him.

Around six thirty, after my parents and grandmother(the only one from my side of the family there besides the uncle who's house we were in) left I start trying to call.

Only to find out it's long distance. I put it off awhile, thinking he should be coming soon anyway. He had plans to go to Dallas and have dinner with his family(I'm never invited to anything with his family anymore, for what it's worth.) after we were supposed to have gone shopping.

By 7:30 I've tried a couple more times, making sure it was actually long distance for some forsaken reason, then I finally went ahead and called anyway.

No answer.

I get all stressed out at this point like "WTFBH is going on, he told me to call him, and then turned his phone off!?!"

Ten minutes later he called back and said he'd just gone home and got on the computer for the past few hours, and had been talking to his mother when I called. But he'd be on his way to get me soon, when he finished one more thing.

Sigh. Can't. Plan. Any. Thing.

Then he stopped by an Arby's for me so I had a large potato cakes for dinner, cuz I was too sick and tired to bother with making something better when I got home. So very healthy, hah.

Right, but besides all of that negative crap, the party itself was nice enough. I'd picked up four presents(one for each year I suppose) at the dollar store for her, and wrapped them up with sunday comics and stickers. She ran around after opening my gifts(which she was happy with despite the pile of much more expensive toys that probably tripled her own mass) she ran around with one of my glittery smiley face stickers on her forehead like a bindhi.

Her family seems so huge... and she had cousins and friends aplenty. The party theme was princess barbie or something, she had a silver tiara and slippers too.

It's really amazing what they've accomplished with their place.. they actually have a really nice and big backyard now, when it hardly had grass before it's landscaped and charming. There's even a nice storage building out there now!

And Estallah has worked such wonders on the house.. they've redecorated every room I think. That house hasn't been half as clean as it is now in atleast four years. We complimented her on things she'd done repeatedly. Like the bathroom, she has a shower curtain that mactches some of my stuff and I've wanted to get that pattern before too. She told me that Sun had insisted on using the toothrbush holder/set that the pattern didn't really match, but the colours worked well enough that she didn't mind. And it was the one I'd given to him(and his past wife) so that seems like a good sign to me.

When I went to say goodbye to him though, he was in their pantry where they were exchanging washers to give his old one to her parents so she could have hers put in. And while we were talking I kept looking behind him and he noticed so I quickly shifted my gaze to the wall instead of the canned foods on his shelf hoping he wouldn't think too much weirdness of me for it. The truth was I was just that hungry, looking at what veggies they had and wishing my shelves weren't empty of cans. Ick.

Something has to change here soon. This just isn't working for me. You can't live on rice and veggies alone like I've been trying to do... it doesn't even subdue the hunger much at all anymore. I think this trying to stretch through with a lack of food is what's caused whatever this lip inflicting sickness is, a defiency and anemia, and whatever else it could be, it's just not right.

But it's life. For now.

Note: we didn't even make it to the store until sunday or monday after all that.