handbasket, where we be goin
September 16, 2011 :: 6:08 a.m.
Mannnn, ya know something is fudging wrong when ... you're standing staring at your bedside table where your glasses and hair clip sit, trying to focus and not let the tears fall, mentally reminding yourself which should be going on your nose and which snaps on the back of your head. the alternative outcomes may be highly uncomfortable or wind up with broken lenses.
(setting the scene more: no, you aren't drunk. it's when you finally give up on sleep, go to bathroom planning to come back and get up on the computer trying to write your thoughts out again for once)
soooo... it's been awhile. i think i'm going nuts. i think i've finally put my little claw on the reason that's making me go haywire and freak out.
see, i left my one boyfriend a year and a half ago now, he didn't fuck up or anything i just couldnt handle the place and didnt see anything happening. it wasn't him, it was me. i thought i needed to leave, needed to learn how to be on my own for the first time.
it's been a long year since then and a lot of learning all the things that are really fucked up with me.
have i learned how to be single? fuck, no.
have i learned how to even make fucking friends, let alone date? fuck, no.
I've learned the list of phobias i've had most of my life and never realized, what all these little issues and behaviorisms add up to.
I see it now, and i don't like it one bit or feel any better about being able to meet people. now i know some of all the things i have to feel embarassed, instead of just being ackward and not knowing why.
anyway i had made this list of things i wanted next time i get into a relationship. ya know. the mistakes i thought had thrown me wrong and what i should avoid, the things i've always wanted and need to demand on having from the start.
hahahah. like i even have a right, right?
the thing is, no i don't meet people well in real life, when i get introduced to people they immiedately dismiss or overlook me. they think i'm a kid, heck kids are usually the only ones who talk to me cuz THEY think i'm a teen. i've seriously been told by over ten different ones how they thought i was So and So, or her sister, or somebody they've seen around school, etc. seriously, wtf.
i turned 30 and had nothing, nobody, nowhere to go for my birthday again. i never got to do the typical 21st bday or other milestones. fuck, i've still never even really been to a bar or club. ya know, can't really do that kinda stuff when nobody will take ya or go.
so yeah, i'm still hoping to be able to maybe go do that for my 31st bday. ya know, i don't really count on hope much anymore, it comes knocking and makin me float then lets me just fucking sink like a stone and i can hear it laughing getting more muffled as i get further underwater.
so this writing girl has returned a little bit i guess, here's the rambling whiney cursing a LOT version of her... not so sure how close to the old one that is. i know it mostly is what i used to do too, i just feel that i did it better back then. hee.
so, yeah moving back to civilization, being back amongst people, but still getting out into it? not so much. at all.
every summer her i see sooo many good free/cheap events to go to but no way to get there, i find them and day dream and want to plan, but nobody else to go and no way to get home if i do go, soooo nope there i don't go again.
all i've got tho are these same few guys that i've chatted online with for many years. tis kinda weird. i realized awhile back tis like... one rule with me for them: i never believe anything IRL would ever come from it, teach myself to never even fucking hope. ya know?
the other thing i realized about this is that they seems to have slots they fill of what roles they play, ya know, who i just cyber with and goof around with, but would never swap pix or EVER webcam, who i'll only webcam with but nothing else, who i can actually TALK about the serious shit with, who i can flirt and tease hardcore with but keep the line of not crossing that clear...
it seemed kinda weird for awhile, until i finally put the peices together. it's weird how you can talk to so many at once, but yeah none of its real, and ya can't let yourself really trust and be entirely open. so even talking and playing with 5 guys, it makes it feel even more lonely.
but when you have absolutely NOTHING in real life... oy, vey.
sometimes the online guys just hurt the worse.
anyway, the thing that's really been throwing me off this week is that one of these guys, one them who established these rules and lines with me from the start, stated it so clear... is confusing me so much because of seeming to cross the line, and i guess i've been stuck in the "yeah right, never count on anything, don't believe he really means to plan any of it. etc" disregarding it when he's mentioned stuff before.
and now i'm being suddenly thrown into the "WAIT what HUH, where did this come from? We're talking about an APT in possible cities, he has me discussing PETS and FURNITURE!?!?" when did this stop being just cybers and talk, it didn't feel like it jumped, where's the rest of it see? i hadn't even seen his pic yet until last week, when he'd heard me mention 1) taking pix of my sunburned face and asked for them 2) my sis walking in right after i'd been flashing the webcam and it being ackward(because he had just shared a story of a simularly ackward moment with his roomie. and whenever he'd mention pix before i was like "erm, whenever i get the digi cam workin..." or "what i tell other peeps, if you want a pic you gotta come take it" and we'd laugh and say hey that's a good reply ima use it too sounds like me.
but this time, since i HAD shown him an older pic couple of years ago but still never seen one of him i was like no you're not gettin a pic unless i do. so he showed me his older myspace one too.
but wait, somewhere inside was this voice screaming "WHEN did this happen WAIT what about our boundaries, he doesn't step outside this  or step into  WTF"
and now suddenly it's gotten worse and i don't know where i stand... i don't know what to do. are we just cybering buddies, yet offhandedly mentioning moving somewhere in 6 months, then the time goes by and it won't be planned and really happen, then we resume just cybering? is this suddenly past the point of no return, where if i believe it, i'll be stupid and get hurt? or if i don't believe it and stop him now, will he be hurt? WTF! Where did this come from!?!? HMMMMN. HALP!
stray kitten, abandoned
still lost here in
a box w/ razorblades
AKA DFW Texass