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kittay.diaryland.com

nothing but the truth, too much
December 03, 2010 :: 12:51 a.m.

music: "Your tears are only alibis / to prove you still feel / you only feel sorry for yourself" Cursive -The Martyr
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So, I've decided to go ahead and start writing here... sucks that you still have to password the whole thing or nothing at all with this site, but oh well.
Sucks that I know evil ex knew this URL, and family can probably find it too... but this was my home. So, Oh well to that too. Screw ya'll, I need to write, and you can't stop me anymore. And if you don't want me to write about you, then fuck off and don't fuck with me. It's my right. That's right. Deal with it.
BWAHAHAHA. So, there.
I always figured leaving it how it was, broken template and all, was very fitting, not sure if I'll fix it up or not.
Now here comes one of the longest entries ever, to start off with. Right now I'm trying to come to terms with a lot of things, and so that's what really got me to finally return here for reals.
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Here's a quote from a show I can't believe I'm quoting, but it totally hit me and I had to listen to it again, this girl's journey just makes me cry so much. "We believe what we know, so if her experiences in life have always been -You're a failure, you're a screw up, everything is you're fault- she doesn't know anything different, to the degree she doesn't even know how to take in her achievements." -Jillian Michaels.
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Here's something I scribbled awhile back, seeing it again now makes it change a lot. Sigh. If I happen to have Asperger's(tis something I've known of and related to but the possibility never thought and sunk in before) too, then yeah this would splain why the hell I keep getting so confused also. Bah.
"Dear World,
People please stop being so confusing. Whatever it is I do/say that's so wrong and you won't TELL ME what it is, I'm sorry for w/e it is. I know I'm ackward, but don't think you and most everybody else isn't too in someway. Be open and honest, is that too much to ask? Apparently so. Bye to what friends I thought I had, will try to leave ya'll alone in peace from now on.
I'm sorry I don't know why it is I'm cursed and those of you who've tried to do the nicest most awesome things for me, and they don't work out for various or difficult reasons or randomness, I've still always really appreciated it and loved you for trying or even just thinking good thoughts for me, the simplest things. I'm one always most grateful for the simplest of little things(which sometimes makes many laugh at) anybody else would just never notice at all. I'm sorry if you can't see or understand that."
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Here's where I am... Where the HELL do I go from there?
A homeless agoraphobe, single co-dependent, vegan in cowtown... at least I'm finally coming to realize so many many things, it's like OH DUH NO WONDER, great that makes so much finally make sense now.
Labels make you sick, but then they're also like a lightning flash landing to turn into a rainbow too. Now that you know what to say is going on, maybe you can figure out how to ask for help, right? Who the HELL am I supposed to ask for help? Where do I find to go for that? WTF.
But then it's like FUCK the irony, what the hell does an agoraphobic have to do when they feel homeless? How do you get "back on your feet" when you never knew how to get on your feet to begin with?(that's one I've laughed at and heard in my head for years every time the term comes up) What do you do when you've lost 50 pounds, but nobody really cares, they didn't consider you really fat to begin with(you just never fit in on either side, and never will) but you still need like 20 to be in a healthy range still and realize you will never be happy and comfortable with how you look anyway?
How am I supposed to overcome not being able to do anything without having somebody, when I have nobody at all to count on for that sort of thing? How can you break that for good? Sink or swim doesn't really work here, can I buy a gray area, want to buy a vowel...
Gradually, right. Right.
I guess I fucked it all up cuz I didn't really know what was wrong. I can never figure out what I did wrong, just that I disappointed people, and I'm always so sorry for that, but don't know what to say it for.
I didn't know I was this bad again, I didn't realize it at all. All of this had to happen, to be able to really see. There's only so much of not going anywhere you can take, and I felt like I just couldn't take the loneliness anymore, I wanted to have society and business and events around again. Back in the metroplex 7 months, and at first, every Saturday I found something I wanted to do, but couldn't get to. Now which is worse, being right here with it instead of desolated so much, and still being useless locked out? Funny thing is, now I feel like I'm so far away, in this tall dark pit, is there anybody that would dangle a shoelace of hope down at me?
Echo.
Great. Brilliant, that.
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So here's the deal, I never know where to start, this time let's start with why I came back. Nope, haha that never works out into an entry for me. Scratch that. Maybe start in the middle, in the thick of it, where nothing really makes sense? Haha, maybe.
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All of these little things to put up with, they're just called part of life, nobody else would ever want to hear about, so I deal with them as they come and move along(well, as much as I ever do, which is not really very much, all things considered) and there they sit inside adding up every time I have to do it all again. There it sits inside: like a rubber band ball growing and growing gradually through days until this little lump becomes a massive monstrosity that's expanded so much you can't roll it out the damned door, let alone squeeze it through the window of your soul.
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Right now, my roomies have succeeded in giving me Teh Sick, my body is still trying to fight it off, but it makes me hurt. Since last night on top of my headache I had my throat hurting like it was swollen or something, it had me stuck with that tightness feeling and just the general sinus/headcold/that annoying pain that just feels like you want to cry/whatever stuff going on. Uck.
This morning there was a moment when I was texting a quick reply after waking up(which I hardly do because it takes me forever on that phone, but yay atleast tis nice to actually HAVE a phone!) but was sniffling and had to stop and blow my nose, then finish the text laughing at my self.
So hungry, so sick to my stomach. I didn't want to drink my juice and vinegar this morning, was putting it off then I got hungry, but I can't eat without drinking it first, and so I decided maybe I'd skip a day. Trying to decide between cold or warm cereal wasn't going anywhere for hours, hungry but the thought of either makes the stomach turn, WTF. Finally decided I'll try to nuke some oatmeal, go in there look at a bowl, belly flops, decide on NO to that. I'll drink my damned juice, at least.
Commence with all these little annoyances. My OJ pitcher had been shoved to the back, and the bottom half was frozen, had to stir up what I could, it spills a little, cuz while I'm dealing with that I'm also swatting at one of the damned gnat thingies that's been here since before we moved and we just can't kick. Probably cuz they're likely from the broken dishwasher which still had water in the bottom for weeks, that we knew of when we first realized, no telling how long since the last tenants moved out.
And not only could maintenance not get all of these things(there's also lock and doors repairs, stove and freezer problems too, plus no towel bars hung in my bathroom, and issues in master bath also...) that were SUPPOSED to be done by our move in date, and for months now they can not manage to arrange coming by here sometime with SOME prior warning. They'll just show up knocking randomly, then say their keys don't work... when hello, DUH it won't work when the deadbolt is locked, because there's girls in here fregging sleeping who never want anybody to walk into their homes without notice again, TYVM.
Yeah, this new apartment *SO* isn't working out as intended, eh.
First apartment, first night sleeping on the couch, waking up to the knocking, and then the door getting kicked down deal, really doesn't help. Fucked up thing is, logically I know if only I had known how to answer the door in some way safely, maybe yell(when I get told I sound like a 13yo pest I don't know how effective that would really be) at them through it, he would have gone away instead of taking it as empty and safe to enter, and that would have all been avoided. But still, here, I can't deal with unknown knocking at all.
And then there's my many other just oh so loverly issues to contend with, I didn't get to actually SEE this place before moving in, it sounded so nice at first, I had no idea it was going to be this BAD for me. Ick.
Creek view, layout good for actually taking walks instead of going to a park, stores and places I like to eat nearby, etc. But that nice view is a double edged sword: I don't feel comfortable in the complex, I feel on display, which makes me feel more silly and not worthy enough to be out there, on top of bringing out general safety worries too.
Plus I thought I would be able to feel like a valid resident, get a key instead of worry about coming back from anywhere only to sit on the steps locked out for hours etc: nopes. Then this dawning and accepting the labels made me see it's totally not just that, there's been so many days that I think if I could just walk down the block or so to whole foods and buy one or two things I need, it would be so much nicer than going without.
But that throws me into such a fucking fit every single time, and I couldn't figure out why exactly. It just made me feel so stupid, really ridiculously pathetic, but I couldn't shake it, or rather literally, stop the shaking. I worked through so many scenarios of HOW to get to where I could do that. It'd have to be before it got dark, and tis getting dark pretty early, so before Roomie gets home from work, add in the no key fiasco but atleast that means he has car so she should be home no matter what. Hate leaving deadbolt undone if she's sleeping though.
Then there'd be the feeling of display getting through the apt complex, and then the actual street, OMFG NO WAI I'd have to cross the big street wouldn't I, the intersection in bright sunlight flashes in my horrified head and I'm a fucking mess of a curled up kitten furball again.
Do I need to ask somebody to go with me a couple of times, then I'd be more okay with it? FUCK, nobody would want to do that. she surely wouldn't want to be bothered by something like that. I really can't justify asking the one who might be willing to try helping to throw the time into driving all the way here, just to walk down the block. That's so crazy. FUCK.
The co-dependent thing was weird to dawn on me, especially because in so many things I'm so different and NEED to be so independent about them, try and take them away from me and I'll go nuts on you. Heh. Damnedest thing is, after I left Texas I think one of the emails Evil Ex said he recommended counseling(which is twice as ironic since at the same time he was threatening me that ZOMFG don't you ever fucking tell ANY BODY about this and that and most certainly NEVER that) because we were both co dependent... and back then I think my reaction was like a "no duh" or "yeah right" type of thought. But lookseehere, that shrinky dink of his was totally right on that.
Cuz that's the reason I feel like and think that the agoraphobia thing isn't there... if I have somebody, then I can be mostly okay. That's what fooled me into thinking that moving out of Texass would be a good idea for me at the time, too. When I first met Good Ex and he came out here, he was all about being the man, and helping me do whatever I needed, to make that place with my new room feel more like home than I'd known for 7 years.
And then he took me in the middle of nowhere, with nowhere at all to go, so far from towns there was no hope of me being able to do something. Nowhere to unpack any of my things let alone be able to make that house feel like a home. It's not what either of us wanted, it's not what we meant to do to each other at all. We both didn't know how bad our issues were.
But the really sad thing is that (once I realize what to look for specifically) I can remember every time in my whole life, of double digit years anyway, that I've really ever gone anywhere I wanted to on my own. Haha.
Both times of them.
The first time was still back in Suckem City, probably 17ish I guess, and Oh My Gods I can't believe I actually did that. Well, one Thursday shopping we'd been in the thrift store and I'd seen some soup cups I liked but hadn't gotten them for whatever reason, dunno if I didn't have the cash on me or what exactly. Of course they had left an impression and I regretted leaving them for days, then I finally made myself truck all the way back down there, pretty much half way across the town. All in the hopes that nobody else had come and bought them yet, Idunno what all impact it would have left on me if they had been gone already. I'd say probably make it worse on me going anywhere, but then you do realize I've only ever gone somewhere else alone ONCE since then.
I love those cups so much still, actually pulled them out of my crate just yesterday and instantly realized which ones they were, but put them back, not the ones I needed to find but it makes me happy just knowing for certain they're still there. In Arkansas I only had 3 of my dishes unpacked in use in the kitchen. Those cups I eventually took out and actually sat on my dresser instead, just so I could SEE them. Heh.
They may be sorta silly, with hippy flowers painted on them when I'm usually all about the anti-floral type of girl.. but then as it turns out too, four years ago while I was working here I wound up buying a set of bowls and plates with bright flowers that kinda match them somehow too. Two bowls I brought back from Arkansas match the coffee mugs(which sadly one is missing because I remember questioning old roomies thoroughly while we were moving to a new house, to see if they knew where it was or had broken it) I got way back then in Suckem City too.
I love my things, they're all I've got, and I've always gotten and chosen them with much care. They matter a lot to me. I remember one time Evil Ex tried to explain how different that was about me, that most people are fake and just trying to fill a void with things they don't care about at all.
Sigh.
Just another thing that makes it easier to hurt me, eh.
Anyway, yeah, back to the topic of this memory trip story I guess.
The second time I went somewhere was after my parents had sold the house, while I was still alone renting a room, and this time it was walking down to take the bus to Walfart. Yeah, that's all, just going to Wally World, ho hum you say. That's always been one of the WORST WORST WORST places for me to handle and still is. Oh, I may have not mentioned anywhere else yet, but another thing to add in and help with these issues is that while my aunt and me were shopping there a few months back, her wallet was nabbed. I'm lucky I had only gone in with my cash and cards in my pockets, no bag which I'm definitely continuing with now.
Anyway, this was exactly 10 years ago. I walked down two block to the bus stop, every dog in that neighborhood was barking scary enough to keep me from wanting to walk around there alone again.
The ride there wasn't so bad I guess, I got off at the big stop and walked up and in.
Shopping I spent a lot of time eyeballing a clock and trying to plot my timing for the bus just right. When I was done it took me forever to be able to talk myself into getting in to a checkout, then of course my bus time was screwed, I threatened myself NEXT TIME OR ELSE, etc, I think I'd started to go up and retreated at least 3 times. Actually checking out was of course so simple yet way ackward and painful as usual.
Waiting at the bus stop was surreal, a man talking to me there, I know I remembered about what was said for years but now I'm not so sure the topic, I remember pondering my bags a lot.
The bus ride back was the mother fucking worse oh my gaaaaawd I didn't think it would ever end, I couldn't take another minute the minute it started to move, I was certain I'd blink and miss hitting the deal for my stop, I was sure I couldn't hit the deal for my stop right, that I shouldn't touch it, that I wasn't meant to touch it, which door to get out of...
walking back, how to hold my bags and not drop something, how to handle them and get to my key, whether my key would work, and so many what ifs what ifs what ifs...
Yeah, heh, and then I was safe again and my heart finally died down after a couple of days, and I wondered for years WTF was wrong with me and how to get a job. Hee.
Yeah. Anyway.
Two times. So yeah, I guess that's kinda really sad.
Back to here, last month when I needed stuff from Whole Foods and started really considering what the issue is, and counted those only two times that I've been able to do that sort of thing at all, then I finally know what kind of problem I really have.
All this time, trying to understand it.
As a teen I looked at my friend and thought she was so strong, she could go anywhere and take care of so many things for her family. She came to borrow our car, she could actually drive it while the 3 of us couldn't. Why couldn't I be like that, why couldn't I just do something and have a chance?
I saved all of my money hoping to get or do something special with it, didn't eat at school because that's just not what I did around people(this is what stems from my seizures, actually and caused many of the panic attack issues) of course. Then she'd come around needing this and that and to go here or there for such and such, and beg and I'd hand it over knowingly, willingly. Used but at least useful in someway. That's the only way I could be a friend, the only way I can is to feel like I'm some kind of help. What the hell do I have to offer anybody?
She'd look at me and see that I could actually cook and do all these basic things she wished she could figure out, heh. While I just wanted the basics she had for living and thriving. I only had the basics for surviving, and just barely.
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So about a month ago I was talking to my one friend I've made here, and he was saying something about the things he'd do if he was able bodied, like waggling his finger at me accusingly, and I was finally like LOL Do you realize you're saying this to an agoraphobic? Then his tone changed to WTF BITCH that's entirely disabling, you totally need to get help then!
It's been so long since I'd thought about that term and even considered myself.
And that's when it snapped into place for me. I've been working on digesting it all every day since then, and haven't even managed to write the half of this yet, probably will be coming back to edit/add later on. I'm still trying to accept that I really need to ask for help, but I don't fucking know how or where on that let alone when I'll be ready for even getting any. Many many more scenarios and dilemnas to go through that have been spinning in my head like a broken bladed fan.

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